holidaze

well...that time of year is coming up. Christmas. Ok, i know it's actually a little bit a ways, but not for us. Now is the time, where we think about the trip to Chicago. how many days. where we will stay. plans plans plans. i honestly cannot think of a more stressful time in our lives...that happens to recur every year. it's the actual planning of this trip that is probably more stressful than the trip itself, but not by much. i do want to say, that we love our families and enjoy seeing them. but i admit that the stress of everything can sometimes make it difficult to actually enjoy the time.

what makes it so stressful? well, a few things. expectations. and how particular days/times are very much coveted (e.g. - christmas eve, christmas day, and particularly evenings for those special days). and lastly, our desire to please everybody makes this trip stressful (e.g. - for myself, it is seen in feeling the need to spend every waking hour with our family...which as an introvert, is terribly exhausting. i need to be okay with being awake, in my room, spending time with JC).

every year we come back with a list of dos and don'ts for next year. but truth be told, the one about "stop trying to please everyone" is definitely the hardest to actually do. sometimes i want to give up going home for Christmas because it's so stressful and I think that if we just go during a normal week no one will care which day we see them because there are no "special" days to fight over.

on the note of how many days. Right now, it's a toss up between 6 days & 9 days. remember, need to divide by 3. so, 6 days is pretty pathetic because it's really just 2 days with each family unit. 9 days is a little better, but by then, i'm usually quite burned out. it's easy for me to think right now that i'd be more than happy with 6 days, but i know i'd regret it and miss seeing my family.

ok after a few paragraphs, i'm just going to stop and ask for prayer.

thank you :).

oh hi

it's been a while.

this summer we have stayed in. and received many many visitors. this summer, this year, for that matter - i'm learning more and more how ungracious of a person i am. i am learning more about how lavish God's grace is. i am learning more about how selfish i am. the funny thing is, i swear these revelations are never-ending. i am a sinful person. equally, i am a forgetful person.

Not suprisingly, God has always showed up to save the day, to save me. and yet, with every story i see it - in my life, in others...i can still so easily forget my Maker. the reason i'm here. that His love is better than life.

i don't want to despair over my shortcomings, or my very flesh. i want to rejoice that through Christ my flesh has no power over me. that i can live in and through Him, to walk by His Spirit. to live the life that is truly life.

Eric and I are studying Ephesians together. As I read 1:1-14, it says that we are chosen, adopted, redeemed, forgiven by God, united with God, heirs with Christ, secured by God - all for His glory. This puts me in awe. It says that our God is gracious, glorious, wise, purposeful, rich, all-knowing, all-powerful, transcends time, loving. Good news indeed.

I used to be a very articulate person. in my prayers. in my conversations with others. for the past few years, i have found that changing. i feel scattered. distracted. with wandering thoughts and images. i am uncomfortable with this haze and i wish for it to leave. is it pride? self-absorption? a season? ...either way, i think i finally feel comfortably knowing that i can rest in the hands of my Father. it's okay that i feel this way. God still holds on to me and i am thankful for that. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Good Friday & Easter

In the previous years that I've observed Good Friday and celebrated Easter...I've always felt..fine.

I've had a particular difficult week this time around. After 3 years of being at the same work place, I sometimes wonder if I've finally hit my limit. Limit on hearing people complain about their job, the people they work with/for, complain about their pay, about their life, gossip, slander. I've felt downright shitty lately. My thoughts have been definitely on the unpleasant side these past few days...a lot of bitterness..many expletives..some yelling. And I'm starting to enjoy the idea of indifference much like my other coworkers have reveled in. I try to step back and snap myself out of this emotional rut I've allowed myself to jump into. It's hard. All I want to do is wallow in the lies of ungratefulness and hopelessness. It's incredibly short-sighted, I know. Selfish, too.

So, I can't help but think to myself...of all the weeks in the year...I feel like this before Good Friday & Easter. I mean...I've been pretty chipper overall at my job (by God's grace) - and not a fake kind. And I'd like to be even more genuinely joyful is this time of year. When I think about it more though... it's perfect timing. It's just this perfect reminder of how weak and sinful I am apart from Christ. How I only want to love on my terms. How, when it all boils down, I don't have any ability to be a good person apart from Christ. Apart from Him, all becomes merely a conditional love reacting to how people treat me or what they are like (in this case, the people at my work...are pretty mean and not afraid to show it).

I'm so incredibly thankful for His sacrifice on the cross. I'm so thankful that He had the power to overcome death and resurrect. All this..so that I may know Him...and not have to be who I am without Him.