Hello Nostalgia

Hello Chicago. It's been a while. I stumbled upon several several snail mail letters from 1993-2002. I read many of them and was blown away by many things:

-the # of people I kept in touch with
-at least one significant person in my life that I have managed to forget existed..wow
-how long some of the letters were that I received from people I feel I hardly know now
-how i managed to lose touch with most of them

I'm not wide awake....pondering all these things. Wondering how things ended with certain friends...whose letter was last...why we stopped writing...did we just forget? Did we e-mail and then stop e-mailing? There were a few people I corresponded with and forgot how extensive our correspondence was?! That is, if you asked me today if I'd ever known that person...I'd say yes, we were friendly...and would've completely forgotten the long letters we apparently wrote to each other. Wow..aging is so WEIRD. Honestly though, I do wonder if it's just a combination of things. Like the fact that I was pretty depressed for most of high school and the first half of college. Did I got into a deep whole of self-absorption and just forget many of the people surrounding me?

Many of the people I once corresponded with were fellow TAF campers. Now while I know it's not very interesting to you to read about this, it's kind of helpful for me to write it out. Plus, the idea is that it'll get me tired.

TAF ..taiwanese american foundation. The greatest place on earth. The place where I could be "me". And feel wholly accepted and loved. The place where I felt all my true friends were and came from...where I felt understood. This is what TAF was to me for a long time. Every year from 1993 until around 2000, my heart would ache from missing TAF and the people there. I was utterly obsessed with this place. If you ask most TAFers, they really do feel what I described earlier in this paragraph. It did change for me eventually. It didn't happen once I committed my life to Christ in 1998, but was a gradual change.

I think it started to happen when I was reading one of my good friend's blog about how she felt that Christianity was being shoved in her face at TAF. I think the thing that most affected me was when she talked about the way people signed their names in the yearbooks..with the heart and cross inside (I used to sign my name that way). This is a friend I corresponded via snail mail a lot mind you. Anyway, it started this whole controversy at TAF about religious tension...discomfort, etc. My world changed at that point. I think I suddenly started to realize that TAF was just like the world I had isolated it from. To me, it became the last thing from safe. To me, it became another place where I had to censor myself...especially now that I was Christian. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal...but it was for me since for so long I had considered TAF the safest place in the world for several years.

I haven't been back for years. While many old friends of mine and some current have, I honestly have not had the clearest conscience to go back. More than anything, it seems like a waste of my time. Not that it's a waste of other people's...but with the relationships I've got going on now, I really don't have the bandwidth to carry on long distance friendships. Plus, I don't believe in the TAF myth anymore...that you can only be authentic with TAFers. I've walked in the darkest of places with brothers and sisters in Christ and been carried through encouragement and prayers to redemption. What a crazy blessing.

Done. Not eloquent by any means. But off my chest.

Advent

I had prayed for humility prior to and during my parents' visit, but knew there would be much temptation to get on my high horse of self-entitlement. I even decided I would meditate on Philippians 2 during the trip. Overall, God is faithful and I believe He has done a lot of work on my heart...but I also know there is so much more work to be done..and so much more submission needed on my part.

Towards the end of the trip, I was having a trip. Getting pretty huffy per usual (i hate to admit) when it comes to my family. I began enumerating the days, finger by finger...starting with my thumb. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Today...Oh and there was Friday, too! i emphatically raised my left hand and stuck my left thumb out. Yep, that's 2 thumbs and 4 other fingers. That's...1 2 3 4 5 6 days of driving to and from Mill Creek! That's 6 hours of driving. That's like driving from Chicago to Ohio..or doing two round trips to Canada! Yeah..this is a good case. I was ready to spew my venom of self-righteousness and self-entitlement if I felt prompted. This was a good case...Yeah..especially the part about taking two round trips to Canada. That was my favorite. At the same time, I felt conflicted...the case I was reveling in my mind was battling the Holy Spirit reminding me to consider others more important than myself.

...I began to think about what it would be like if Jesus acted the way I do..or thought the way I did. I am to be an ambassador of Christ...to be a fragrance of life and grace to others. So, in other words, I'm thinking...about Jesus, hanging on the cross...telling me off about how He is God and deserves better. Telling me about how He's gone through 30 years (more than 10 fingers) of our pathetic human existence only to die the worst kind of death known to our pathetic existence.

[in case you're stuck in that world, thinking that Jesus is wagging his finger at you. Just thought I'd let you know...that that picture of an ungracious Christ is not real. It's a lie.]

30 years. I think for the first time in my life, I realize that Jesus lived our pathetic humble existence for 30 years. After being born of a virgin, He didn't go straight to the cross (duh). He lived 30 years of humility in flesh.

I'm basically dumbfounded at this point. And still am.

Jesus came in humility, as a babe, to save our undeserving asses.

I hope that changes your heart. I hope that it changes mine.

Merry Christmas. Soli deo gloria.