Home Economics

In the church, in my church, the role of the stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) has been graced with great honor. I think I've always taken that for granted. I've known for a long time that Jesus has called me homeward. It hasn't been the easiest to accept at times, especially given the fact that I grew up in a home where both my parents worked a lot and my grandmother raised me and ran our home. The realm of home management doesn't come easy for me for many reasons...

I didn't have a good model for it.
I didn't grow up in a disciplined home either. I literally had no chores growing up. No curfew, either!
I'm a sinner - lazy and selfish.

For a while now, I thought I was being faithful to God's call in my life. Heck, I went from full-time to part-time at my old job, before I was pregnant, just so I could be more homeward. That's good and all, but I think I haven't been thinking enough about how to be faithful now. Being faithful to what Jesus has called me to will continue to look different in all seasons of life...as He challenges me more and more to live for Him. I need to continually seek Him. Walk by the Spirit. Keep in step with the Spirit (Gal 5:25).

This weekend, God gave me a rude awakening. I've been worshiping and serving myself, not worshiping Him and serving others (and therefore, Him). I haven't been taking His call seriously. I really haven't been giving it my all. Just been trying to get by. I proudly and foolishly assumed that I knew enough to manage my home. And by that, I mean, I have done very little to grow in wisdom and knowledge about how to become a better home manager.

Realizing how much more I could be doing, or how important my role is ....was really quite humbling and sobering. God has given me an opportunity to create a safe haven for my family. He has given me an opportunity to be my son's first teacher, in all matters of life. I thank God that He has helped me understand more what my role is and how He wants to use me.

I'm praying for lots of help! And I know He'll give it because our God is good.

baby

It's common knowledge now that we have a baby boy on the way! Due date is June 22nd. I thank God for the process of pregnancy, for it truly is a time where God does more preparation in our hearts for the role of parenthood. With all the family dynamics we have faced since being married, I have to say that I've now begun to take a closer look at the idea of "leaving and cleaving" - from a parental aspect.

You see, I'm very thankful for our baby boy. And I love him. I'm excited to welcome him into our world, see him grow, and invest in him! But I don't want to lose sight of my primary calling as Eric's wife. By God's grace, I won't lose sight, overall. Though, I know I'll fall short at times.

In Psalm 127: 3,4 it says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth." I never thought very hard about those verses, except to think..."yes, children are a blessing". I was reading this study recently though that focused in on the metaphor of children as arrows in the hand of a warrior. This idea that eventually, our children will "leave" to fulfill the purposes that God intends for them. The idea that the husband-wife relationship is one that is to never change in essence (yes, you grow closer, but there is no leaving), but the parent-child relationship is bound to change eventually (they leave!). I can only fathom how difficult this may be as a parent. But I pray that I would have that open hand to the Lord with my child. That I would be faithful in raising him in the Lord, and encourage him to grow up as a man.

A friend/mentor of mine has 2 sons that are grown up now (my age), have married, and starting to have kids. It's been so encouraging and convicting for me to hear her say that "her time" as their advisor has passed. She is more than happy to give her wisdom if it's asked for, but she recognizes it's no longer her place to call him to "obedience". He has left and cleft to his wife. He is a man. And my friend, though not perfect, accepts this and embraces it. She rejoices in his manhood. I truly hope and pray for the same for myself as a mother. As a friend, I already have overprotective tendencies that I need to fight...so wow! It really is a wonderful act of trust in God's will and sovereignty!

Those have been my most recent thoughts on parenthood...

God give us grace!

holidaze

well...that time of year is coming up. Christmas. Ok, i know it's actually a little bit a ways, but not for us. Now is the time, where we think about the trip to Chicago. how many days. where we will stay. plans plans plans. i honestly cannot think of a more stressful time in our lives...that happens to recur every year. it's the actual planning of this trip that is probably more stressful than the trip itself, but not by much. i do want to say, that we love our families and enjoy seeing them. but i admit that the stress of everything can sometimes make it difficult to actually enjoy the time.

what makes it so stressful? well, a few things. expectations. and how particular days/times are very much coveted (e.g. - christmas eve, christmas day, and particularly evenings for those special days). and lastly, our desire to please everybody makes this trip stressful (e.g. - for myself, it is seen in feeling the need to spend every waking hour with our family...which as an introvert, is terribly exhausting. i need to be okay with being awake, in my room, spending time with JC).

every year we come back with a list of dos and don'ts for next year. but truth be told, the one about "stop trying to please everyone" is definitely the hardest to actually do. sometimes i want to give up going home for Christmas because it's so stressful and I think that if we just go during a normal week no one will care which day we see them because there are no "special" days to fight over.

on the note of how many days. Right now, it's a toss up between 6 days & 9 days. remember, need to divide by 3. so, 6 days is pretty pathetic because it's really just 2 days with each family unit. 9 days is a little better, but by then, i'm usually quite burned out. it's easy for me to think right now that i'd be more than happy with 6 days, but i know i'd regret it and miss seeing my family.

ok after a few paragraphs, i'm just going to stop and ask for prayer.

thank you :).

oh hi

it's been a while.

this summer we have stayed in. and received many many visitors. this summer, this year, for that matter - i'm learning more and more how ungracious of a person i am. i am learning more about how lavish God's grace is. i am learning more about how selfish i am. the funny thing is, i swear these revelations are never-ending. i am a sinful person. equally, i am a forgetful person.

Not suprisingly, God has always showed up to save the day, to save me. and yet, with every story i see it - in my life, in others...i can still so easily forget my Maker. the reason i'm here. that His love is better than life.

i don't want to despair over my shortcomings, or my very flesh. i want to rejoice that through Christ my flesh has no power over me. that i can live in and through Him, to walk by His Spirit. to live the life that is truly life.

Eric and I are studying Ephesians together. As I read 1:1-14, it says that we are chosen, adopted, redeemed, forgiven by God, united with God, heirs with Christ, secured by God - all for His glory. This puts me in awe. It says that our God is gracious, glorious, wise, purposeful, rich, all-knowing, all-powerful, transcends time, loving. Good news indeed.

I used to be a very articulate person. in my prayers. in my conversations with others. for the past few years, i have found that changing. i feel scattered. distracted. with wandering thoughts and images. i am uncomfortable with this haze and i wish for it to leave. is it pride? self-absorption? a season? ...either way, i think i finally feel comfortably knowing that i can rest in the hands of my Father. it's okay that i feel this way. God still holds on to me and i am thankful for that. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Good Friday & Easter

In the previous years that I've observed Good Friday and celebrated Easter...I've always felt..fine.

I've had a particular difficult week this time around. After 3 years of being at the same work place, I sometimes wonder if I've finally hit my limit. Limit on hearing people complain about their job, the people they work with/for, complain about their pay, about their life, gossip, slander. I've felt downright shitty lately. My thoughts have been definitely on the unpleasant side these past few days...a lot of bitterness..many expletives..some yelling. And I'm starting to enjoy the idea of indifference much like my other coworkers have reveled in. I try to step back and snap myself out of this emotional rut I've allowed myself to jump into. It's hard. All I want to do is wallow in the lies of ungratefulness and hopelessness. It's incredibly short-sighted, I know. Selfish, too.

So, I can't help but think to myself...of all the weeks in the year...I feel like this before Good Friday & Easter. I mean...I've been pretty chipper overall at my job (by God's grace) - and not a fake kind. And I'd like to be even more genuinely joyful is this time of year. When I think about it more though... it's perfect timing. It's just this perfect reminder of how weak and sinful I am apart from Christ. How I only want to love on my terms. How, when it all boils down, I don't have any ability to be a good person apart from Christ. Apart from Him, all becomes merely a conditional love reacting to how people treat me or what they are like (in this case, the people at my work...are pretty mean and not afraid to show it).

I'm so incredibly thankful for His sacrifice on the cross. I'm so thankful that He had the power to overcome death and resurrect. All this..so that I may know Him...and not have to be who I am without Him.

Hello Nostalgia

Hello Chicago. It's been a while. I stumbled upon several several snail mail letters from 1993-2002. I read many of them and was blown away by many things:

-the # of people I kept in touch with
-at least one significant person in my life that I have managed to forget existed..wow
-how long some of the letters were that I received from people I feel I hardly know now
-how i managed to lose touch with most of them

I'm not wide awake....pondering all these things. Wondering how things ended with certain friends...whose letter was last...why we stopped writing...did we just forget? Did we e-mail and then stop e-mailing? There were a few people I corresponded with and forgot how extensive our correspondence was?! That is, if you asked me today if I'd ever known that person...I'd say yes, we were friendly...and would've completely forgotten the long letters we apparently wrote to each other. Wow..aging is so WEIRD. Honestly though, I do wonder if it's just a combination of things. Like the fact that I was pretty depressed for most of high school and the first half of college. Did I got into a deep whole of self-absorption and just forget many of the people surrounding me?

Many of the people I once corresponded with were fellow TAF campers. Now while I know it's not very interesting to you to read about this, it's kind of helpful for me to write it out. Plus, the idea is that it'll get me tired.

TAF ..taiwanese american foundation. The greatest place on earth. The place where I could be "me". And feel wholly accepted and loved. The place where I felt all my true friends were and came from...where I felt understood. This is what TAF was to me for a long time. Every year from 1993 until around 2000, my heart would ache from missing TAF and the people there. I was utterly obsessed with this place. If you ask most TAFers, they really do feel what I described earlier in this paragraph. It did change for me eventually. It didn't happen once I committed my life to Christ in 1998, but was a gradual change.

I think it started to happen when I was reading one of my good friend's blog about how she felt that Christianity was being shoved in her face at TAF. I think the thing that most affected me was when she talked about the way people signed their names in the yearbooks..with the heart and cross inside (I used to sign my name that way). This is a friend I corresponded via snail mail a lot mind you. Anyway, it started this whole controversy at TAF about religious tension...discomfort, etc. My world changed at that point. I think I suddenly started to realize that TAF was just like the world I had isolated it from. To me, it became the last thing from safe. To me, it became another place where I had to censor myself...especially now that I was Christian. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal...but it was for me since for so long I had considered TAF the safest place in the world for several years.

I haven't been back for years. While many old friends of mine and some current have, I honestly have not had the clearest conscience to go back. More than anything, it seems like a waste of my time. Not that it's a waste of other people's...but with the relationships I've got going on now, I really don't have the bandwidth to carry on long distance friendships. Plus, I don't believe in the TAF myth anymore...that you can only be authentic with TAFers. I've walked in the darkest of places with brothers and sisters in Christ and been carried through encouragement and prayers to redemption. What a crazy blessing.

Done. Not eloquent by any means. But off my chest.

Advent

I had prayed for humility prior to and during my parents' visit, but knew there would be much temptation to get on my high horse of self-entitlement. I even decided I would meditate on Philippians 2 during the trip. Overall, God is faithful and I believe He has done a lot of work on my heart...but I also know there is so much more work to be done..and so much more submission needed on my part.

Towards the end of the trip, I was having a trip. Getting pretty huffy per usual (i hate to admit) when it comes to my family. I began enumerating the days, finger by finger...starting with my thumb. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Today...Oh and there was Friday, too! i emphatically raised my left hand and stuck my left thumb out. Yep, that's 2 thumbs and 4 other fingers. That's...1 2 3 4 5 6 days of driving to and from Mill Creek! That's 6 hours of driving. That's like driving from Chicago to Ohio..or doing two round trips to Canada! Yeah..this is a good case. I was ready to spew my venom of self-righteousness and self-entitlement if I felt prompted. This was a good case...Yeah..especially the part about taking two round trips to Canada. That was my favorite. At the same time, I felt conflicted...the case I was reveling in my mind was battling the Holy Spirit reminding me to consider others more important than myself.

...I began to think about what it would be like if Jesus acted the way I do..or thought the way I did. I am to be an ambassador of Christ...to be a fragrance of life and grace to others. So, in other words, I'm thinking...about Jesus, hanging on the cross...telling me off about how He is God and deserves better. Telling me about how He's gone through 30 years (more than 10 fingers) of our pathetic human existence only to die the worst kind of death known to our pathetic existence.

[in case you're stuck in that world, thinking that Jesus is wagging his finger at you. Just thought I'd let you know...that that picture of an ungracious Christ is not real. It's a lie.]

30 years. I think for the first time in my life, I realize that Jesus lived our pathetic humble existence for 30 years. After being born of a virgin, He didn't go straight to the cross (duh). He lived 30 years of humility in flesh.

I'm basically dumbfounded at this point. And still am.

Jesus came in humility, as a babe, to save our undeserving asses.

I hope that changes your heart. I hope that it changes mine.

Merry Christmas. Soli deo gloria.