community

for the past few years, community has been become quite an "adventure" for me. there have been many ups and downs. tonight i met with a girl from my CG who i honestly have been intimidated to hang out with for a long time (the intimidation basically being a figment of my imagination). in the 2 years i've known her, i've not once initiated hanging out alone of my own accord.

if you know anything about me, you know this is odd. i've always been the initiator. stepping out. but i honestly haven't done so well in that arena. i felt uneasy meeting with her, whereas, i know in meetings with others i've felt confident in knowing how i want the conversation to go or at least have an idea how it will go. i asked God to take the conversation where He would, and that there would not be too many awkward moments (though, there were still some).

there was a moment of vulnerability. a glance, a "i haven't been intentional enough" admission and a "well, we were kind of cliquey" confession in return. it was short, but it was there. it was incredibly uncomfortable, but i feel the ball rolling in the process of healing.

i dont know how much of it is left, but i know that i grew resentment towards the members of my own community. but they weren't who i believed were really my community. ironically, yet, these were the people God has placed in my life. whether i liked it or not, they were my community. i'm sad to say that i have allowed many of them to come and go with little faithfulness on my part in pursuit of the kind of friend i could have been.

fear is such a foolish thing emotion to be ruled by. i feel i've forfeited much from following its heed.

community is worth the risk of being known.